Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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