My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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