Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
