god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
