To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
