my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
