dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
