Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
