Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
