I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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