My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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