That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
