Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
