Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
