sorry about calling you the devil all night.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
