So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
