Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
