I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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