How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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