God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
