i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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