just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
