Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
