I can tuck mytits in my pants
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
