my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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