My brain says no but my pants say off.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
