i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
