It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
