you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I cockslap morals
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
