oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
