My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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