I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
