Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
