This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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