I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
