Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
