remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
