I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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