nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
