alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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