felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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