i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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