"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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