I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
