More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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