I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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