Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
