If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
