A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
