I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
