Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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