I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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