college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
